Loneliness

As I slowly wake up, sprawled wide across my bed, duvet array and the polar opposite of it's neat presentation the night before, I dread getting up. I dread opening my eyes, I dread leaving my bed, my safe haven, my literal comfort blanket and I dread the thought of the day ahead of me. I suppose it's rare to find a morning person but this is beyond a small hatred of crawling into the icy air. This is an overwhelming hatred of the day ahead, college, my life. I'm miserable again, I'm lonely, unmotivated, disappointed, embarrassed, ashamed and depressed.

I'm desperate to change my life up, to break the monotonous routine of counting down the minutes until my lesson finishes, racing to my car to drive home for my frees and jumping straight on to YouTube or Tumblr to try and escape my loneliness. The fear of having to stay at college for the short hour long free, doing everything in my power not to be caught alone and friendless but simultaneously avoiding any of the work or revision I should be doing is crippling.

That seems to be one of my issues. It's not just that I hate my life but I don't even have the drive to change it. I don't have the interest or the motivation to do any work whatsoever, I can't bring myself to push outside my comfort zone and nudge my way into a friendship group. I am desperate for an income but I haven't even got the motivation to finish my CV and sit through the hours of online applications required. I'm well an truly lifeless. I'm a physical body with no substance.

I remember a time when I had escaped these thoughts. I promised myself I would never be in a situation like this again, I even laughed at the prosperity of returning to that mindset. I couldn't fathom being that depressed or unsuccessful in all the endeavours I undertook but here I am. I'm back to square one, I have fallen back into all the bad habits I once thought were gone for good, I'm having those dreaded thoughts which I thought would never return. I feel alone and hopeless once more and the incredible embarrassment I have due to that is crushing me.

I've gone from having friends in every direction to virtually none. I now have one friend, I see her almost never. I barely even speak to her now and that's as much my fault as it is her's. She has other friends. I don't. Her friends are local, she is not. Alongside my loneliness lies my feeble excuses.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I hope because I know that despite my loss of drive and life I should keep pushing myself. I can't say it's remotely easy though when the one thing you require to defy the loss of interest in life is the one thing you don't have.

Sexual Abuse on YouTube

In recent weeks there has been an outcry of discontent with certain youtubers in the YouTube community. This is of course, the infamous sexual abuse scandal. At least four or five content creators in the last year have been called out for their inappropriate treatment of women and their attitude towards sex and consent.

Whilst a large number of viewers and fellow content creators have expressed their disgust at this kind of  behaviour, it's still very disheartening to see the legion of 'loyal' followers and fans who have dismissed the accusations.

I'm not one to generalise but there seems to be a very noticeable pattern in the people who are defending these unacceptable actions. Young female 'fangirls.' I'm in no way saying that all fangirls are incapable of holding their idol accountable for any conduct that may be immoral or unlawful and there has been numerous cases of young fans feeling very betrayed and dismayed by the actions of someone they looked up to so greatly. Regardless it is still worrying to see the amount of people that have stood up for actions that are not only morally wrong but unquestionably illegal.

It upsets me incredibly to see how many teenage girls will dismiss sexual harassment and support seriously vile people just because they find them attractive. This is the problem with celebrity and YouTube culture, no one is being held accountable for their actions because they’re ‘hot’. It honestly feels like some fans are even scared to admit their idols have wronged in fear of being called out for being a ‘fake fan’. (That phrase itself could have it's own blog post it infuriates me so much!) 

I think it's so important for everyone to realise that any sort of physical contact with a person without their constant is sexual harassment and that regardless of how attractive the culprit is they should not be able to get away with it. Sexual harassment or abuse can also be conducted verbally and can result in the mental manipulation of a person to do something against their wishes. This can be done by incessantly asking to the point of them being extremely uncomfortable, guilt tripping or black mailing.

It's so important to fight sexual abuse of any kind and to not stand by perpetrators. In some situations certain content creators have even been able to make a living off sexual abuse disguised as entertainment and it is increasingly necessary to stop this happening. 

Reincarnation

The title may be a bit hyperbolic but I'm essentially saying I want to reinvent this blog. In my first post, I documented my desires to become a journalist and as a result I set aside this blog to get experience in being one. However I've realised that I much prefer to just express my opinion on the news and current topics in the media and in society, rather than actually report them. Therefore this is less of a journalism blog and more of an assortment of rhetoric, ideology and hopefully prose.

I'm also aiming to have some sort of schedule with publishing, as I find I have a burst of motivation to write and then the lack of feedback discourages me. As embarrassed as I am to admit my dependency on acknowledgement, I have now decided that regardless of whether I get 1 view or 1000 views, writing is my one of my very few interests and passions in life and I am keen to pursue it.

If you happen to read this I hope you leave a comment telling me what your passions and interests are. Additionally I hope even if you don't comment, that this post in some way inspires you to follow any dream in life you are not yet pursuing.